What's Wrong With My Parents

I can't believe I'm actually complaining like this. I have two loving parents, and I complain about them like a spoiled brat when there are kids out there who have neither and still manage.

But I have to. I see so many things wrong with how they're raising me and my siblings that I have to say something.

For starters, they have absolutely no respect for us, and I know this for a fact. It's the main thing that I hate about them with all my heart. Our opinions don't matter, our emotions are good-for-nothing to them. They don't care what we think, they do whatever the hell they want with us, with our lives, as long as it benefits them in some way.

Like right now. They're planning to move to Anaheim after the school year ends because it's better over there (right now we live in Bellflower), and that means that my siblings will have to switch schools again. (I'm going to college next year, so I won't be switching high schools) They have absolutely no idea what they've put us through the past few months because of their decision to move, and now they're not even hesitating to do it again. I couldn't give a crap how much cheaper it would be to live there- I would never put my kids through what I went through, especially twice in two years. They really have no respect for us, and I can't believe that they even have the audacity to demand the highest rerspect from us when they can't even manage any sort of return. Yeah, I respected them- they were my role models growing up. They sacrificed so much for me and my siblings, but now they're starting to show their true colors. Now that we're actually having opinions and goals that differ from theirs, they can't handle it. When we were kids, we just followed like blind mice, but now that we're old enough to choose for ourselves, they can't handle the fact that we're choosing differently than what they expected, than what they wanted.

And I laugh because they sit there and tell us everyday that everything they do, they do for us when they don't even know who we are anymore. They make choices for us when they're completely unaware that we're fully capable of making these decisions ourselves. They say we're still immature when they won't even let us grow up. Being grown up means being to handle yourself independently, and I can't do that when I can't even make choices for myself. That's the part of growing that I'm missing because of my parents- to make my own decisions and to live with the consequences, but they're so scared of the consequence that they're hiding me from it. I'll tell you what, everything good in my life that's happened is because I defied my parents. No lie. If I would've obediently followed my parents the past 17 years, I would've missed so many opportunities that have come to be the highlights of my life. Those choices I made, even the ones that didn't work out, I did behind their back, because I would've never got anything done with them. I can never grow up while they're in control of my life, and the bitter irony is that all they've been wanting me to do is to grow up.

That Missing Piece

That feeling, that indescribable emotion, has been bugging me for as long as I can remember and it won't go away. A longing would be the best way to describe it.

But here's the thing- I don't know exactly what I'm longing for.

Confusing, I know, and whenever you have this conflict inside your head, the stress is magnified even further.  It feels like some part of my life is missing. Try to imagine my entire entity as a jigsaw puzzle. It's mess right now with everything I'm going through, but I'm missing pieces I need to complete it and see the whole picture.

No, I don't think it's got anything to do with the life I left behind in North Carolina; this feeling, this longing has been bothering me WAY before moving had become a problem in my life. I just really wish I knew where that missing piece is, or what it is. No, I don't have to pull the pieces together now- that would ruin the  process of life, where I could sit back in the end of it and laugh at how the pieces all fit together and I never even saw it. I don't wanna know now: I just want an idea, a big picture if you will.

Is that missing piece the key to everything? And what is "everything"? What would the big picture look like if I find this piece? I got a couple of ideas of what it could be though...

If I had to bet, I'd say that it'd be a person. Someone who comes into my life and changes everything. It sounds so selfish if I say that it's a girl, but if I'm right, she'll be what I've been looking for, what I'm writing about, at this very moment.

I don't really think that it would be a religious piece that I'm missing. I feel as spiritually sound as a Catholic- not perfect, but sound. My religion is such a big part of my life- it is my life- and I'd be really surprised if that last jigsaw piece is a huge epiphany about my faith because I think this missing piece is something I never had. You never know though, the one thing the big man upstairs has showed me repeatedly is that He's always got a trick up His sleeve.

Thinking more about it just puts my brain into a bigger knot than what it originally was, and it's a waste of time because thinking more about it won't actually do anything. That last puzzle piece will come, and I will solve it. What'd I'd do just to know...

I guess there's only one way to find out.

I'm Back (Stronger Than Ever)

Well I haven't posted in a while, and I apologize to you, my very small audience. I've told you about my move across the country and how strongly I felt against it, and now as I'm typing this, I'm glad I was wrong. Everything's looking up for me here, and I'm just glad I can finally see some light again. So much darkness, so much uncertainty and desolation has surrounded my life the past few months and I didn't know how long I could keep carrying that burden.

My first few months here was the toughest of my short 17 year-old life. I feel so terrible complaining about moving to a bigger city when people out in the world are suffering, but I literally lost everything, my friends were simply irreplaceable and losing them felt like losing a part of myself. It was ridiculous how low I had gotten, those of you who know me would've never recognized me. But it wasn't just how I looked- my entire subconscious couldn't let go. I just couldn't find peace, and my whole life was thrown into chaos. I had so many sleepless night because I would dream of seeing them again, to smile with them, to laugh with them, to give them the hug I never gave when I left...

It sounds so pathetic I know, a 17 year-old kid complaining about moving to California, destined to do bigger and better things, but that's not what it felt like when I got here. It felt like I lost my entire world. A world I created with my bare hands, that I depended on more than anything else, I lost in the blink of an eye. One plane ride and I was taken from my world 2,517 miles away.

Yeah, it's a sad story but its a huge weight off my shoulder to say that all that's behind me. Showtime saved my life, believe it or not. For those of you who don't know, Showtime is a show choir you audition for in the high school I'm attending right now, and I don't know how I'd still be functional without them. We are such a close-knit family and I'd have fallen apart already if it wasn't for them. They were the friends I needed, and I have no right to complain. I can't help but smile right now- when I was about to fall apart, they took my pieces and put me back together, and they don't even know it. When I carried the world on my shoulder and I didn't know how much I had left in my tank, they shouldered my load, and they'll never know how grateful I am that they saved my life. They have no idea how much they have already done for me just by being there when I needed them, by loving me even though I was just a stranger who could sing with them.

Now I'm ready to rebuild. The great friends I lost, I'll restore, even though they never left. Friends that close to my heart could never completely leave me, and even switching coasts certainly won't change that. Yeah it sucks that I can't share moments with them like I have for half my life, but they'll always be a part of me that I'll never lose. Moving has given me the opportunity to share this strong friendship, my love and simply my character with people across the country. It extended my circle of friends coast to coast, and only now do I see that as a blessing. This is my senior year, and with all the will in my soul I'll make it a memorable one, with the greatest friends by my side and a heart full of hope.